Oh Boy.....

As the mom of all boys, I often get asked whether I am hoping for a girl "next time" or whether the reason I have so many boys is that I was "trying for a girl". And a few even less tactful responses such as TIPS for conceiving a girl. Yes, people go THERE.

I truly don't mind the comments (except the tips....) because I know that it's unusual for a mother to first HAVE so many children of one sex and even more to WANT children of one sex. I grew up surrounded by sisters, five of them last I checked. My one brother was a lot older than me and moved out of the house while I was still a young child, so it was a very female-centric household. Even back then, when I played with dolls, I was the odd one out that wanted the boy baby doll. I was enthralled early on with that musical "Seven Brides for Seven Brothers" and decided right then and there that I wanted to have a houseful of boys when I grew up. When engaged to be married, James and I had the usual "how many kids" talk and we decided on four because he wanted three and I wanted....five. Five boys preferably!




When every prenatal ultrasound revealed that we were indeed having boys, we were always excited, although at one time James imagined himself having a daughter, now he says he can't imagine it any other way. Besides he says, he should know that I always get what I want!

I keep waiting to feel wistful about not having a daughter. The truth is that I don't really care either way. If someday I have a daughter, it will be great, and funny too, because she would have five much older, much bigger brothers! But until then....I don't need to do the "dress up" thing, don't really want to have someone to go shopping with, my "girl's days" are had with my friends, not my daughter, and I don't necessarily want to pay for a wedding someday.

What I do have is very high-energy children that like to get dirty and eat a lot. I love my boys for their straightforwardness, if something is wrong they let me know and that's the end of it. Some jeans and a buzzcut and they're good. $250 a week in food instead of paying for hair accessories. It all evens out in the end....

And in case you didn't notice, I, like the mother in "Seven Brides" named my children in alphabetical order; Andrew, Bentley, Callan, Dorian, and Elvis. I love to keep things organized!

Happily a Disaster...A REAL Cinderella Story

Every little girl dreams of her Cinderella story...at least I did, but I was a terribly predictable and traditional little girl who carried dolls around swaddled in blankets and dreamed of the day I would have my own real babies. I remember drawing dress designs for my wedding, which I thought would be a lavish affair, with bridesmaids in alternating jewel-tones of ROYAL purple and SAPPHIRE blue.

When I actually did get married, some (but not nearly enough) years later, it was actually a modest affair at a community center that had horrible orange plastic chairs and wood paneling, and my two bridesmaids wore WHITE dresses that didn't even match. It was actually a potluck of Italian food and I remember thinking, upon seeing the black and white paper plates provided by someone instead of the SILVER paper plates I had picked out....."oh well". That "oh well" was the first of many adult decisions/concessions I ever made. I wish I could say I've always been so accommodating, but I have to say; I have not!

A perfectionist by nature, it has always been hard for me to give up the "dream" in anything. I have a wild imagination and probably romanticize even the smallest things; to the point that I often get disappointed when the reality doesn't live up. I think women are particularly prone to this. We are the nurturers, the planners. When things don't go the way they "should", we feel it.

Lately, I've felt at a crossroads in my life. No longer a little fledgling family trying to make our way, James and I are at the stage where we are bogged down with bills and responsibilities, with a preteen son and all that that entails. The dream I had at the beginning of our life together has seemed so distant, it has made me doubt myself. Every fairy tale ends with the dashing Prince kissing the Princess, but they simply DO NOT show what comes next! Probably because a mortgage, car repairs, homework, after school sports, and trips to Costco ain't so very pretty.

Now, I am nearly 32, but my overly imaginative nature causes me to think of myself still as the Princess in the fairy tale, and being expected to carry on a business, a home, AND have a child almost as tall as me has not been easy to adjust to. After many, many, many long heart-to-hearts with James (who is as logical as I am illogical, thank goodness) I feel much better about the way my life is heading. I'm learning to see the beauty in THIS part of my life, though I still don't like not knowing what happens NEXT, and what my life will be like in 10 or 20 years. It will always be my nature to fantasize about the dream vacation to the picturesque cabin in the woods, where the BEST quilt on the planet will keep us warm at night...and that's ok. My way brings beauty and joy, too. But I'm staying much more grounded now and learning to love being the chaotic mess of a jumble of humanity that is our family <3

WIld Wild West

Dorian's reaction to the train "robbery"

One of my favorite things about being a mother is the way children look at the world. They have a way of seeing right to the heart of things, without sugar coating. It can be both refreshing and frustrating. My four year old, Dorian is especially insightful and he has a reputation in our family of being the "rainmaker". Dorian gets things done! All the other boys lobby him to convince James and I of something or other and his logic is usually so impeccable....I can't resist!

So it happened that one day out of the blue, Dorian said to me, "I've never been on a train". So I googled and found a historic train in Sumpter, Oregon, about two hours away from us and set a date to go. A word about Sumpter Valley Railroad, the train crew are all volunteers, many of whom come from far away for the weekend to donate their expertise. Both train depots were a delight, the McEwan yard was more rustic, a little depot with a working woodstove (which was working while we were there on an unseasonably cold day in June). Displayed were railroad implements and tools.

The McEwan train depot

Dorian picking out the "snacks" he lobbied hard for

We boarded the train in McEwan and settled into the restored 1874 train car. What struck me immediately was...how small it was! Are humans really so much bigger? I guess so, since the seats meant for two were rather...confining.

Dorian and Andrew

Bentley and Callan with their train tickets

One of the highlights of the train ride was the "train robbery" they stage once the train approaches the Sumpter station. I specifically booked our visit on a train robbery day, but was worried about Dorian's reaction. I tried to prepare him for it, by explaining that there would be "fake bad guys". He asked, "are they made of paper?". Right before the train robbery was set to begin, I reminded him again, but when the "robbers" on horseback started shooting caps from REAL guns..Dorian started crying. Through his tears he managed to say, "what if they take my candy?!". After the train arrived in historic Sumpter, OR, he managed to make up with the robbers when they allowed him to visit and ride their horses

Bentley Jeffrey

Callan

Andrew

After the return ride, riding in the open car and enjoying the beautiful scenery (including people waving at the train from their vacation cabins), we started in on the long-ish drive home. While in Sumpter, I picked up a few souvenirs and was heartened to see people donating money to the railroad, it's so important to keep history alive in the this way!  Of course, my way of donating was to shop prolifically in the gift shop! About 30 miles from Sumpter is another one of our favorite places, Baker City, OR and since we were tired and dirty from the train we decided to have lunch at "our" truckstop, which has FABULOUS food!

 

We had so much fun as a family and hopefully this summer will be full of family fun! And maybe a return trip to Sumpter! (stay tuned!).

Playing the Hand You're Dealt

This week has been a really, really, bad week with my migraines; and it's caused me to think a lot about the title phrase; which is really cliche at this point; but such a good statement, "Play the hand you're dealt".

I know that in the grand scheme of things; I have a FANTASTIC life; and as I mentioned in an earlier post; I am so lucky in so many ways. But that doesn't mean that my life is perfect. There are a few things in my life that are downright yucky.

The picture above is my grandmother, Vivian. Gorgeous, isn't she? I remember seeing this picture as a child and being quite disappointed when I looked in the mirror and saw my button nose and round face; and hoping someday it would morph into her high-cheekboned glamour! I can't say that it ever really happened; although as I get older I do see glimpses of a resemblance.

My grandmother was dealt some horrible circumstances in her life; most devastatingly; losing not one but TWO children in different horrid ways. But she never lost her sense of humor. She must have been so strong; I can't imagine going on living after losing a child, but she did; even having MORE children, including my mother, after the devastating losses. My grandmother died when I was 21; but not before she was able to meet my oldest child, Andrew. My last memory of her was her holding her arms out to hold him; sick as she was, she still bounced him on her knee and smiled at him.

She was a stylish woman in her youth, and carried that into older age; she loved to wear red lipstick and had a laugh you could hear miles away.

It's so funny; I hadn't intended this to be a post about my Grandmother at all; but after reading this article about overcoming adversity: http://www.pickthebrain.com/blog/rising-above-adversity-the-amazing-story-of-jean-dominique-bauby/ I happened to see her picture and it all seemed to fit!

For myself; although my plight is not nearly as severe as ANY of the examples in the article, nor my grandmother's; I still am struggling with my health issues and trying to find a way to cope with them. I'll never stop looking for a "cure"; and my stubborn side refuses to believe that I will spend the rest of my life in pain. To that end; I've pursued many treatments; including massage (which I'm doing tomorrow), and physical therapy. I'm thinking it's probably time for a tune-up!

But, I have had to adjust the way I do things, as much as it irks me to have to consider limitations. For me, mornings are hard because I generally wake up with a migraine; so I've pushed all my obligations later in the morning or in the afternoon. I also am a night owl; but I've had to adjust that; and now go to bed no later than 11pm. Some part of me still considers it a personal failure every time I experience a migraine and have to rely on my husband or my son to take care of things while I'm laying down. I really hate that! But I have had to learn to rely on others, which maybe, just maybe is a blessing in disguise.

I often think of the Scripture that says, "In all things, give thanks". And it may sound weird, but I'm GRATEFUL for the adversity I've experienced, even on a small scale. Because it's made me a better person, and made me appreciate the good things in my life so much more. And maybe...that's worth it!

The 13 year....Glitch

......or how I accidentally got a new wedding ring: (written by me; posted elsewhere, reposted here)

So...my 13th anniversary is coming up on Tuesday. When I got married; I was 18; with a 25" waist. After 5 children; all over 9 pounds and 2 over 10 lbs.....I no longer have a 25" waist. At all. But, I've been wearing the same wedding ring all these years; I probably haven't taken it off in 5.

Well...yesterday; I realize that I have a blister on my ring finger where the point of my pear-shaped diamond has been poking into my now-fatter fingers. I decide to take my ring off so it can heal. I cannot get it off. I am severely claustrophobic and not being able to get my ring off is FREAKING ME OUT. But, trying to get the darn thing off is making my finger swell like crazy; making it truly impossible to get the thing off. Finally, I ask my husband to please take me to the Fire Dept. where they have a ring cutter. Yes, I'm THAT freaked.

We go; get the ring cut off; my finger is swollen like crazy but now I have NO RING. Duh! I've been thinking about getting a new setting for my diamond for at least 5 years; it's a rather dated gold thin band with a matching gold thin band for a wedding band. Keep in mind that in 1999; the wedding band cost $39.99 and the solitaire cost $900. That was a LOT of money for an 18 year old me and a 19 year old my husband!

We go to this gorgeous jewelry store where they ply us with pastries and shinies and I come to the terrible realization that gold has gone up SO MUCH in the last 13 years that to replace what I had with something similar (which I hate) would be WAY MORE THAN $39.99! We're talking like $800 just for a plain gold band!

But, I find; in the last jewelry case; where they keep the estate jewelry and the misfit stuff that nobody wants; at 50% discount....this gorgeous setting, in white gold with little diamonds all around! It's unique and amazing and they can set my original diamond into the center. It is not $39.99. It is not $900. It IS 50% off, though; and my choices are to go without a ring indefinitely, wear something I hate; or buy this one that I LOVE....with money I don't *technically* have.

I bought it. Eek. But my husband kept telling me that I deserve it; he wants me to have something I can wear forever; and blah blah. Plus, to sweeten the deal, the jeweler takes my now-destroyed band and setting and scraps them for me; $90 in scrap gold, woohoo!

And now I feel terrible. But also excited. AAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!

"I make my own luck" ~ Titanic

Ok; ok, Calladen in Titanic was probably not the first person (fictional or otherwise) to say those words; but that statement made an impact on me at the time because obviously; this character was a "bad guy". So it made it seem that "making your own luck" was a negative thing. Is it? I recently read about this study:

http://www.mindpowernews.com/BeLucky.htm

And it was; as Oprah says, "An ah-ha moment". I've always considered myself exceptionally lucky.  Ever since I was a child; I've been the kind of person that things happen to. So many times; things have fallen into place for me; seemingly miraculously. While I can't take any credit for my good fortune; I've always wondered what makes a person lucky. The first bit of good luck I had was when I was born. The person I call "Dad" is actually my stepfather. He chose to raise me as his own child, even though he didn't have to. And he never treated me as anything less than his own daughter. So much so; that I often forget that we are not biologically linked. In fact; when my fifth son was born and I first saw the dimple he has in his cheek; in a haze of endorphins and exhaustion, I actually thought, "He got my dad's dimple!". I laughed about it later; but he DOES have my dad's dimple; I really don't get it.......


Flash forward a bit; I did not have a perfect life; far from it. But as I became an adult, things just seemed to always fall right into place for me. From meeting my husband, to having the five sons I jokingly told my husband I "knew" we were going to have. Once my doctor said to me, "Somebody up there must really like you!". But...what if I'm not really lucky; what if luck can be learned? Is it possible that I, and others, who people see as lucky have learned cues from an early age that makes it easier for us to choose the path that leads us to what we want? I think it's fascinating; and I DO think anyone has the ability to improve their "luck" (if it can be called that). I'm thankful for whatever it was that "taught" me to "make my own luck". But in a less smarmy, smirky way than the character on Titanic!

Fresh Beginnings?

Hello, my much-neglected blog! The last year or so has been so Topsy-turvy; and in reality; I've felt so UN-homemaker-like for most of the last year; I felt disingenuous posting about my experiences. It's safe to say that my business has consumed me and right now I'm in a huge transition.

What sparked my desire to finally post was both the Spring weather, which always reminds me of new beginnings, and the date; April 16th. Today is my #4 boy's 4th birthday. In a lot of ways, his birth was a season of new beginnings as well.

On the morning of April 16th, 2008; I woke up with a start. Heavily (and I mean HEAVILY) pregnant; I was so immobile and gigantic and MORE than ready to have this baby. I had made the decision early on in my pregnancy to have a natural experience with minimal medical intervention; and had enjoyed going to a birth center which was located inside a 100 year old bungalow complete with creaking wooden floors and diamond pane windows. I lumbered out of bed, as I had every morning for the last few weeks; and looked outside at the trees which were on the verge of blossoming. I had told myself every day of my pregnancy that Dorian would be born when the trees were in bloom; but a late Spring that year had kept them depressingly un-blossomed. I thought to myself, "I can't have the baby today, the trees aren't in bloom!". Just then, I had a contraction that doubled me over. "Ahh!, not again!" I thought. I had been having contractions continuously for weeks, with no sign of actual labor. But something felt different about this time. I called my mother, my sister, and my midwife; explained to everyone that I was having contractions and could I possibly be in labor?

Since this was my fourth child, you'd think I'd know; but each labor is so different in progression as to render experience nearly worthless. The consensus from all these wise women was that I was NOT in labor. Disappointed, I decided to go about my day. The mini-scare made me realize that I was going to have the baby at SOME point; so I decided to start making meals to freeze. Lasagna started, I was still having contractions that were doubling me over and some other signs of labor as well, but I didn't want to be the girl that cried wolf, and honestly; I felt so silly being pregnant for the fourth time and having no earthly clue whether I was in labor or not. So I soldiered on. I made sauce from scratch, boiled the noodles, and about the time I was assembling the lasagna I was having so much trouble standing during the contractions I thought it might be wise to call my midwife. Again. She asked me whether I thought I was in labor; I said I didn't know. I really didn't! So I waited.

I served my boys lunch, sent them out to play and finished up the lasagna. As soon as I covered it and put it in the fridge to cool; I knew I was going to have a baby. Soon. The time was about 1 pm; and I made another round of phone calls. This time, my mother said, "You sound like you're in labor". I was still hesitant to go to the birth center only to be disappointed, but I agreed to come in "for a check". My husband came home, left again to take the boys to my sisters' house....and I panicked. I was having intense contractions by then, and was picturing myself giving birth on my bathroom floor BY MYSELF; while homemade lasagna languished in the fridge and my husband was chatting with my sister before dropping off our boys.

Calm breathing, calm breathing. Finally, my husband returned and we took the painful and ridiculous 17 minute drive to the birth center. When I arrived, it was 2:45 and I was 7 cm dilated. One hour and sixteen minutes later, at 4:01 pm, Dorian Russell came into the world, all 10 lbs 4oz of him. He was blond and huge and gorgeous. We went home just 2 hours later, to a hot, home-cooked meal. Of lasagna.

Now, at 4 years old; Dorian is a unique little guy that never ceases to amaze us. Very serious; he's also a very loving boy who always is ready to cuddle. He has a box that is a collection of eclectic items he's selected. He carries it around with him and at night; tells me to "protect" it. He informed me a few days ago that he's a "Superhero". He certainly is brave! Last year; when he was barely three years old, he fell at Disneyland and needed stitches for his head. He didn't cry when getting stitches, just lay still and stoic, complete with a Mouse Eat hat at a rakish angle. Dorian is known for handling himself with aplomb no matter what the situation; only crinkling his brow slightly when something strikes him as odd. He's been a true blessing in his four years of life. I'm grateful to whatever twist of fate brought him in our life at a time when we were NOT planning to have more children.

This morning, when I told Dorian that he was 4 years old, he asked me "Am I still Dorian Russell?".

Yes, Dori; you are!

"God Grant me the Serenity...."

 

"....to accept the things I cannot change;

courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference. 

Dear readers! What a few months it has been! I hardly know where to begin except with the obvious; which is that I've had a really rough few months. Unfortunately, I seem to have developed frequent and persistent migraines, which has been a shock, and a great source of stress for me. I've learned to depend on myself being healthy, and always brimming with energy; and this disorder has taken me down a peg; in fact; it's taken me down all the pegs; and I'm learning how to adapt. I've tried not to dwell on the "why me's"; knowing that so many other people are dealing with things that are far more dire; but I do have moments where I wonder why this has befallen me at this point in my life. I now cannot push myself; because even one late night triggers migraines; so I'm learning to let things go and not be so hard on myself. I am not Superwoman, despite evidence to the contrary, and I'm learning to pace myself. I've had a lot of moments of feeling useless lately; and it's something I never thought I'd need to grapple with. I've realized that I am NOT in charge, and I don't know what the future will bring. I always say that human beings have an endless capacity for adapting to any circumstance; and although I don't want to have to deal with this, I have certainly learned to adapt as well as I can. 

My new hairdo is courtesy of a very vivid dream; which I had during one of my most severe migraines; in which I dreamed that I was supposed to have a 1930's style bobbed haircut...as soon as I was up out of bed, still fuzzy from the migraine, I cut my hair with my sewing scissors! Not something I would recommend, but it made sense to me at the time! I think I really just wanted to do something drastic, like a Medieval warrior preparing for battle; and a battle it has been. 


In the midst of all these life-changes; my children have started school, which means I'm on the go go all day. I don't have a minute to spare most of the time, and I've taken steps to simplify my routine that have been absolutely essential in keeping on schedule. I will be sharing these updates, shortcuts, and new easy fashions in the weeks to come; I have neglected my blog all summer, and it's about time to get on the ball. 


The first exciting thing of the fall I have to look forward to is an upcoming weekend trip with James to a historical inn a few hours from our house. It's the first time we've ever gone away overnight without our children, and we are really looking forward to this long-overdue trip! I hope to have a relaxing time which my boys spend time with their aunts and uncle. 


It's a new day, Happy Monday and Happy Autumn!

It's Only Pain.......(Reprinted from my Facebook Wall)

After having five children; three of them with no pain medicine whatsoever; I thought I was pretty good with pain. More than good; I thought that I had pain's NUMBER. I would always say, when people asked me why on earth I would give birth to ten pound babies on an antique bed in the North End with no doctors or IV's in sight, "It's only pain, it can't hurt you". I've always been a basically healthy person, used to being able to push myself beyond what most people would consider wise; getting little sleep for days and weeks at a time was normal for me. Caffeine? Yes, please! I drank coffee and energy drinks like water, which I DIDN'T drink enough of. I'm a person who thrived on being busy and productive; and I thought it would always be easy for me.

Until a few weeks ago; when my high-octane lifestyle went kaput. I've always had headaches; some worse than others, a few even severe, but none that reduced me to the serial-puking person that couldn't even lift her head off the pillow and didn't give a flip about returning e-mails. I thought it was a brief glitch in my wiring; and went back to my "normal" routine; until I was felled with another migraine; this one worse; and so scary I ended up in the hospital getting a CT scan one fine morning at 6am. I'm claustrophobic, terribly. But I didn't even care that I was in a tube with no way out; that's how "out of it" I was. In 12 years of marriage and lots of pregnancies; James had actually never witnessed me throwing up; except for once when I was so pregnant I couldn't get to the bathroom in time (mortifying); but last Friday I was in the humbling position of throwing up in front of the hospital with a nurse AND James and whoever else watching. After that; I came home and went to bed; and knew NOTHING else that day. I've always had an "thing" with time; and wasting it; but I let a whole day and a half go by without knowing or caring what was happening; or where my children were, were they eating? Did they go to school? I knew not.

I must admit; it's been scary to feel so out of control of my own body and life; I've had many days the past few weeks when I've wondered if I'll ever get back to feeling like "myself", or whether I would have to drastically change my life so that all the things I've worked so hard for would have to go by the wayside. It's been a hard few weeks. Today while I was driving to my acupuncture appointment I was remembering the last time I was there; when my only health "concern" was an overdue baby Elvis. How laughable that seems now! How little did I realize that the few hours of intense pain followed by the birth of a baby is NOTHING compared to the earth shattering and unchanging pain of a migraine; that reduces you to a being that cares about nothing except getting relief; where all your hopes and desires go down the drain. After seeing my doctor; he seemed convinced that my relatively recent lack of sleep, coupled with stress and my propensity with getting headaches normally; compounded by my anxiety over getting more migraines; led to more migraines. So, armed with a prescription for migraine medicine; and some recommendations for a few lifestyle changes; hopefully will rid me of this awful affliction. Just knowing that there's nothing seriously wrong with me has helped a bit, and I'm hoping that making positive changes to my life will be enough; I don't like to be tethered to medication, and I'm hoping it's just a stop-gap method until I get my strength back.

"As God is my witness, I'll never have a headache again!'

The Boys Of Summer

Today is the official last day of summer. School will be starting tomorrow; and while I'm sure in time it will seem bittersweet to me; I have to say that today seems bitter right now. I remember that first day of summer; when school let out and I was finally able to leave the school with my boys; we walked into the sunshine and felt free. We didn't have to hurry; we didn't have anywhere we needed to be; it was just us against the world.

Those first few weeks were an adjustment for us all; it was hard to have no schedule; for me as well. I remember thinking to myself, "Enjoy this! It won't last!". I truly tried to enjoy it; but this summer I found myself busy and distracted much of the time; having my own business and being a new work at home mom was challenging at times. We had plenty of downtime, though; or at least the boys did. They rode bikes; played in the yard; asked for Popsicles; and had a good time.

As June turned into July we finally got some hot weather; and I started taking more time off; it didn't seem fair to work the summer away; and so I planned some fun adventures for us. I reveled in having my boys to myself; and having the freedom to go where we wanted to go; although looking back I wish I had taken that opportunity more often.

When August began; I felt a sense of foreboding; it's truly my least favorite month of the year; my birthday falls at the end of August; and it has always seemed a sad time of endings to me. I stepped up my efforts to simply "be" with my boys; and knew that I would soon be counting down the days until the summer was over. Now it's August 29th; my 31st birthday and the day before my boys leave me again; and I'm reflecting on the year that summer finally began to have meaning for me. It was 2005; my 25th birthday; and my oldest boy Andrew was starting kindergarten. Up until then; I had simply gone with the seasons as everyone without children in school does; never feeling any particular difference from school starting. I was 7 months pregnant with Callan; and had a 2 year old Bentley besides; I remember taking that first school picture of Andrew's and knowing that life was about to change. Now; 6 years later; Callie is starting kindergarten and my Andrew is going off to the big unknown of Middle School; I can hardly believe it. I know that I will be an emotional wreck inside as he goes off by himself to the bus stop; but I will have to bear it somehow.

And then later; I'll be sending my Callan off to be a big boy. Since his birthday is in November; I truly felt that I had an extra year with him; and it's making it even harder for me to give him up to a teacher. Somehow; Dorian; Elvis and I will have to muddle through our day without our boys! Now all that's left is to make a few more memories before school; we're having our long-awaited "bee party" and I hope I will manage to keep a dry eye for at least part of the day.

I've always felt the changing of the seasons acutely; and remember feeling a sense of loss as the last days of summer slipped away; and this has only been made more significant by having my own boys. I know that there are many more great days to be had before Winter takes hold; and I'm hoping to gain this perspective in the weeks to come. I must say; dealing with being solidly established in my 30's as of today is making it difficult for me to see anything positive about this time of the year!

Summer, don't go!