Going Big and Going Home

 

Seven years ago this month, a stay-at-home mom of five pressed "submit" on her first Etsy listing. I look back on my then nearly ten years of being what I affectionately referred to as a "housewife" almost as if it were a dream. I was great at it. Really, really, great. My house was orderly and tastefully decorated. My children were in coordinated clothes. I myself never left the house without full makeup and often wore clothes I made myself. Oh, how I loved it. Baking a pie in the afternoon while listening to AM radio. Scrubbing the kitchen floor with a scrub brush and a bucket of soapy water. I was a relic.

And then I went through the looking glass. A twisting, winding path that would lead me to the picture above. On the floor of Nasdaq as confetti rained down. Yes, I was nearly 7 months pregnant at the time and my lower back was killing me, but I had traveled to NYC. I rode the subway! I visited Etsy HQ and sold my soap in Times Square. And if you can make it there, you can make it anywhere (as the saying goes).

But did I make it? I'm still not sure.

This year I closed my shop. It was a painful decision. I had more than 30,000 sales on Etsy by that time. I should be proud, I worked really hard at it for a long time. For a brief shining moment, it was my dream and I imagined myself turning it into an empire. And then it turned into something else. By the end, it stung.

The beginning of the end started just a few months after that moment on the Nasdaq floor. That July, had given birth to my sixth child but something wasn't right with me. I was suffering from postpartum depression that caused crippling anxiety. I could hardly bear to open my emails in the morning. I started to avoid them, going longer and longer before responding to customers. I had handed over the day-to-day operations to my husband and teenage son while I recovered. But when I had imagined going back to handling everything, I found that I wasn't ready. So my husband (who worked full-time) was burning the midnight oil every night making products while I ordered supplies and printed labels and answered emails and our son shipped orders. Things started to slip through the cracks. I remember clearly sitting on my bed with my laptop open to convos, holding the baby, with tears streaming down my face because I was dreading opening my messages. I started to get complaints about the slow response time and the slower shipping time. They were legitimate complaints but I felt powerless to address them. My mental state was not good and I simply couldn't handle being back at work yet. But I felt obligated to stay open because by this time, I had taken out loans for operating expenses and these loans required me to be open, making daily sales. At this point, I was also responsible for making a good portion of our family income. With a new baby and new expenses, I couldn't do anything else but keep plodding along.

Then one day, I opened my shop and realized I had lost my five star rating. I was devastated. It was then that I realized something had to change. I ended up going on vacation mode in order to catch up and started to do that whenever I felt the need. During the times that I was closed to catch my breath, I noticed that I felt happier, freer. I knew that my focus had changed and that my business was no longer bringing me joy. And wasn't that the point in the first place? To make our lives better?

By the beginning of 2016, the seed was planted in my head that my shop had an expiration date. In August 2016, I started college at Northwest Nazarene University as a 36 year old freshmen. It was time to move on to my next stage. I also found out I was pregnant with my seventh child, my only daughter. I felt like the universe was telling me I was making the right choice. But I knew I had to keep my business going until I could wrap it up in an organized fashion and after I had paid off all my loans. I also wanted to get to 30,000 sales just because. After my daughter was born, I had learned my lesson about overextending myself and I took a lengthy maternity leave. No more returning convos from my hospital bed as I had in 2015.

I closed my shop for good in October, after making my final payment to the bank that loaned me operating capital. It was over. For the first time in seven years, I was able to decorate my house for Christmas, set up my Christmas village, bake cookies and watch movies with my kids. As sad as I was (and am) about the end of PuurBody it was 100% the right decision. I am so grateful for every customer that believed in me and took a chance on my business when it was so new. I feel guilty sometimes that I was not able to "go big" but instead chose to "go home" but I know in my heart it was the right step.

I am not sure what I will do about my product formulas, which were all painstakingly developed by me and were hard for me to even share with my husband when he started learning to make products. I have received many emails from former customers who want to order my natural deodorant. I thought of just giving them the formula but I don't feel ready to give up my "babies" and am not sure what I will do with my proprietary information in the future. Sometimes I'm tempted just to whip up a batch of deodorant and gift it to those who have asked but I feel that would start me down the road to another business and I really don't want to go there! I definitely have the entrepreneurial spirit and often think of ideas for other business ventures and have to mentally slap myself to prevent me from doing them.

Now I am a stay-at-home-mom again and a Sophomore in college, pursuing my Master's degree. Life is good. I have come home.

I used to be a Top Etsy Seller, but I'm not anymore. And why I'm Okay with that (Usually)

They Are Not Long - Ernest Dowson

They are not long, the weeping and the laughter,

Love and desire and hate;

I think they have no portion in us after

We pass the gate.

They are not long, the days of wine and roses,

Out of a misty dream

Our path emerges for a while, then closes

Within a dream.

I came back to my little old blog because this is where it all began. That picture on my blog? It was taken almost exactly 6 years ago, right after I opened my silly little Etsy shop with zero expectations. I feel like I've lived 100 lifetimes since then and become someone I don't even remember becoming.

So allow me to sit on my rocking chair, children, while I tell you a story. How my silly little hobby became a business that at one time provided half my family income. How I went from 0 sales to nearly 30,000 on Etsy and how I ultimately, failed.

Six years ago I was a stay-at-home mom with five children and I was just trying to navigate the economic times, which for us were...bad. My days were spent figuring out how to make it all work. I baked, I sewed, I took care of children. I loved it. But I thought I could help stretch the budget a bit by making soap. Then I thought I could sell a few bars here and there for some extra cash. Oh, poor, sweet, naive 2010 me!

Well, anyway, it ended up exploding more than I could have imagined. On April 16, 2015, I found myself standing on the selling floor at Nasdaq, along with other Etsy sellers, ringing handmade bells as Etsy.com went public. At six months pregnant, I traveled to New York and walked down Broadway. I sold my products at a booth in Times Square. It was amazing and memorable.  In the last 6 years, my business has kept food on the table during the worst of the Great Recession. At one time, it paid for a bi-weekly cleaning service and a part-time employee. I bought my children clothes and books and shoes and gadgets. We went to Disneyland twice. And then I had my son, Felix. From the first night in the hospital, I suffered from extreme PPA which meant I couldn't sleep and sat on my bed crying while worrying over my Etsy reviews, which were suffering. I simply couldn't keep up anymore and my husband and son were taking over most tasks. After I got over the worst of my depression, which took at least 6 months, I no longer had the desire to outsell everybody. All I wanted was...peace.

Yet, how could I continue contributing to my family in the way we had become used to? So I soldiered on. I stopped being able to create new fragrances and products, so I just kept making the same old things. I lost my competitive edge. I didn't keep up with changes, I didn't keep my product line fresh. I phoned it in for a good year. And it showed! This past summer, I found out I was pregnant with my seventh child, a girl after six boys. A child that will likely be my last child ever. I do not want a repeat of July 2015. I need to find joy in my life again and move on to the next step. I don't have the energy to compete with other shops, I'm not good at innovating right now. Basically, I suck. I'm no Estee Lauder. And that's okay.

This fall, I enrolled in Northwest Nazarene University in order to ultimately get my Master's Degree. I have plans for the future again! I'm a full-time student at 36, pregnant with my seventh child! I have a son that will be going off to college himself in 2018. It is a busy and exciting time. I have cried a lot of tears at the prospect of my Etsy shop becoming a footnote in my life, or maybe a sidebar. It certainly will not be the focus of my day-to-day activities as is has for so long. I will still continue making products but likely I will cut my product line down by at least half.

It has been a grieving process realizing that I need to do this, it feels like somebody died. I've cried a lot of tears over this.  But I hope, in time, it will just be a happy memory of what I did from 2010-2016, and I won't feel the embarrassment that I currently feel at having not "made it big" or "created an empire" or whatever if was that I was so hell-bent on doing for so long. I've learned so much in the last six years. Mostly, that where I am truly happy and fulfilled is right here, planning my weekly grocery shopping or baking bread. It was quite a ride, and now that this era is coming to an end, I'm both sad and grateful.

Thank you to everyone that helped me make it happen.

I will be back!

'Twas Brillig. My Fight with Postpartum Anxiety (PPA)

"...Beware the Jabberwok, my son 

the jaws that bite, the claws that catch"

On July 6th, I drove to the hospital to be induced. I was expecting my sixth child. A much wanted, beloved baby boy. I was nervous about the induction but with my history of precipitous labor, it seemed like the best choice, particularly since I was GBS positive and wanted to have time to receive my antibiotics. However, although I was 39 weeks +2, my cervix was very unfavorable, so I knew it would be a long haul. When we arrived at the hospital, my doula was there, and my awesome midwife started the induction. For the first 10 hours, nothing really happened. We walked the halls, ate breakfast and then lunch, napped. It was peaceful and relaxing. At dinnertime, still no change so we decided that we would start some pitocin. I sent my husband James home to be with our other children. My doula and I walked to the lobby and went up and down the stairs and did squats to try to get the baby lower. At 7pm, my water broke! It seemed things were finally happening. I called my husband and my midwife back to the hospital and labor began in earnest. I remember feeling so taken care of and loved throughout the entire experience, which ended up being a 24 hour marathon. At 8:02 AM, 24 hours after arriving at the hospital, Felix Heathrow was finally born. When I saw his face, it was like seeing the faces of all my other children. He was so beautiful, and so healthy. 

It was truly the happiest day of my life. As the mother of six, it seems to me that with each child, the love I feel for them is multiplied by the love I feel for my other children. So by the time Felix arrived, I had so much love, I felt that I could burst. After getting settled in my room, I sent James home again to be with our other children. I wanted to be alone with the baby. We spent a blissful day, him resting on my chest, me breathing him in. But that first night, things started to change. At midnight, a nurse came to get vitals on both of us. I had had an IV for the first 12 hours after his birth and was pretty uncomfortable and by then, had been awake for 36 hours. When she put Felix on the scale and announced his weight, I was horrified. It showed he had lost a pound in 12 hours! How could that be? It turned out to be a scale malfunction, but after that I was on high alert for problems with his weight and feeding. By 3AM, I still hadn't slept and called James and through tears, told him I needed him with me. The night seemed endless. Finally morning came and I was dying to be released from the hospital. I felt that if I could just get home, things would be better. 

"But I'm not sad!"

Postpartum depression can be a very isolating experience for mothers experiencing it, however, there is a lot more information out there than even a decade ago. Newly delivered mothers are often told to be on the lookout for sadness, excessive crying, feeling detached from their babies. I had none of that. I was downright blissful when I snuggled with my perfect little bundle of baby. The whole world receded and I cared about nothing else but caring for him. But I was terrified. Every night, as dusk settled, I became more and more agitated. Nighttime was a nightmare for me. When I slept, which wasn't often, I had terrifying dreams that left me exhausted. I felt like I existed in a horror movie that I couldn't shut off. When I cried, it was tears of terror. I developed an almost violent aversion to my business, the business I had worked so hard on for the past four years. The business I grew from a tiny seedling into an enterprise that provided my family with income. I literally couldn't stand to return emails, or even look at my inbox. I stopped answering my phone, shut off the ringer because every sound from my phone was like impending doom. 

The effort of withstanding the adrenaline in my system made me sick. Every morning I was dry heaving in the bathroom. I shoveled food that was served to me into my mouth without tasting it. I didn't care about my appearance anymore. Through nine months of my pregnancy, I wore winged liquid liner every day. When Felix was born I never touched my makeup bag and cared not. I hadn't been out of the house without makeup since I was 13 years old. Through 5 prior pregnancies and postpartums, I still put effort into how I looked, because it made me feel better. Now I showered and brushed my hair mechanically and didn't so much as look at my myself in the mirror for days on end. My business suffered. I closed my shop for a couple of weeks because I was in no shape to run it, but felt guilty about not having it open and reopened it, leaning on my husband and teenage son to do the bulk of work. I simply couldn't do it. The simplest tasks were overwhelming. I spent hours psyching myself up enough just to look at my orders. I didn't want to put the baby down long enough to make products, holding him even when he slept. 

And then he had his two week checkup. I was terrified he was losing weight and it turned out I was right. He wasn't nursing as well as he seemed to be and was still well below his birth weight. I truly believe that my anxiety was causing my milk supply to suffer as well. I was horrified, guilt ridden. I felt that I had let my baby down, that he was starving and I had not noticed. I visited two lactation consultants and got on a grueling regimen of round-the-clock pumping and nursing. And I knew that I had to treat my anxiety. I called my midwife and explained to her what was happening. As much as I didn't want to be on medication, I felt that it was the best chance of me being functional for my children. When I took my first pill, I cried. I was afraid of the side effects, afraid of it affecting the baby, afraid of everything. But I started to feel better, bit by bit. It wasn't a miraculous recovery, I'm afraid. Recovering from PPA or PPD often takes months. But things started to get better. 

Am I "cured", three months in? Not even a little. I am still more anxious than I would like. It is still hard for me to complete daily tasks, but I am trying. I took back over the reins to my poor beleaguered business that had suffered so much from my neglect. I have always been extremely ambitious but I had to give myself a huge break on this one. I had done the best I could and my business was in the ditch. It was going to take a lot of effort to pull it back out. Now I consider it a success when I answer my emails promptly, when I am productive in making products, when I am attentive to my children, when I make dinner and go to the grocery store. This isn't a story about supermom, I am far from that now. But I think this experience has made me a more compassionate person. I never understood the crushing weight of anxiety and how it makes completing simple tasks a huge victory. I never understood breastfeeding struggles and how much work it takes to get a baby gaining weight again after things weren't going well. I never understood people that didn't push themselves to achieve more and more, and I didn't know the simple joy in struggling so hard to be "normal" and succeeding, at long last. 

I didn't slay the Jabberwocky, he is sitting quite calmly in the corner as I go about my day, subdued. And I can live with that. 

I Am a Material Girl.....

Of course, the "material" I'm talking about is the fabric kind! I've been working with glorious silk charmeuse fabric for my mother's wedding dress; it's a great pale, pale, yellow color (her favorite); and as delicate as tissue paper! At first I was wary of even cutting into it, but after working with it for a while, I realized that since it's 100% silk, it is much sturdier than it looks and it behaves quite well; clinging to the other layer when sewing, unlike cheap synthetics that are a nightmare to hold together! I've been staying up quite late sewing (or early, rather), and the other night watched another of my favorite classics; "How to Marry a Millionaire". It's very much in the same vein as "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes"; with good comedy, and the straight woman Lauren Bacall to act as a foil for Marilyn Monroe's signature ditzy blond character. My favorite line is when the girls were discussing how to "catch" a rich man; one asks "Do you marry him?" and Lauren's character answers, "Honey, if you don't marry him; you haven't caught him, he's caught you!". 

Whew! I feel like I've been neglecting my blog lately (because I have). I feel like I'm always talking about how busy I am; and really; busy doesn't begin to cover it!

Ooh! Ooh! I'm really excited because yesterday I got a lovely message from a woman who has a shop Flossie Fern's Vulgar Medicinals  where she makes lovely things with adorable names; she's a trained herbalist and makes all manner of balms and salves, and something called "Tea and Strumpets" dry shampoo! Her whole shop makes me happy!

So, after justifying the expense six ways to Sunday; I purchased these lovely items from her; for myself I got a tin of this sweet Knee Rouge  which is a really great multi-purpose rosy cream balm (but I must use it to rouge my knees; because I can't resist); and a product that James actually needs *don't click the link, my dear husby; it's a surprise*. The rest of you can feel free to click away and see what I got for a Gift for James. 

I love being able to buy little lovely trinkets like these; I find more joy in the little inexpensive items than I ever do in the big things. I remember when our refrigerator was on it's last legs last summer; I would have kept on dealing with the issues it had, but James was determined to get a new refrigerator at last and took me appliance shopping. It was horrible! I was very glad and felt lucky to get a new appliance, but the whole process was stressful and I would have preferred buying something like these little things; instead of breaking out in a cold sweat over the expense of a big ticket item! The saleslady even remarked that I didn't seem excited about getting a new refrigerator, and James and I were switching up the usual roles of husband and wife; he excited about shopping, and me wanting to run away and never come back! I guess I'm not really a material girl, and I certainly didn't go about trying to marry a millionaire!

The wedding dress is coming together; and I'm trying to ease my workload by not being as much of a perfectionist and delisting some of the items that are running low, instead of working through the night to restock my store. I have a Farmer's Market to prepare for, and that has to take priority right now. It does sting to feel like I "should" be doing more things and recognizing that I simply can't. I've heard the saying so many times, "you can only do what you can do", which seems so cliche, but is really meaningful. I always feel the need to push myself further and further, and I know I need to back off some so that I can still enjoy family time and perhaps eventually, sleep! I keep telling myself this refrain, "Just make it to May"; since all my most pressing issues will be done or under control by then, just so long as April doesn't speed by even more quickly, I should make it!


Have a great Wednesday everyone!

Guest post for my Idaho Team!

Just popping in to let you all know that I was honored to do a guest post for my Idaho team on etsy; I decided to write what I know, so it's all about being a mom who happens to have an etsy shop. Check it out! 
Keep Calm and Etsy On! by ME! I love my Idaho team, it's great to have so many local people that are so supportive, and I've had the opportunity to meet many of them and even purchase some things from a few.

Buy Idaho!

'Courage is being scared to death...and saddling up anyway'

I'm a little obsessed lately with John Wayne quotes! I just watched a great classic John Wayne/Maureen O'Hara movie, McLintock!, I'm not usually a fan of Westerns; but I love to see a movie with a man in it, and I guess that's why I love John Wayne! That particular quote from the title is my mantra; I usually know I'm doing the right thing because it doesn't feel easy!

On the swimwear topic, now I'm depressed because my swimsuit doesn't have rhinestones! Boo! I'm happy to announce that after weeks and weeks of empty talk....dadada DA! My swimsuit is finished! (actually, I have to sew the buttons on, minor detail!). I have to apologize for the photos, I took them late, and I was in no frame of mind to model the garments...so....these will have to suffice!

So, I increased the size from a very petite 32 bust, to.....my size! And I'm not going to look like the picture, either; and the waistband is a tad big, but I think more flattering to my babies-tummy to have it looser. I will update with the number of people hospitalized by the sight of my white flesh and un-toned abs!

I also whipped up in a single night this 60's wrap skirt, I love skirts with pockets, and I'm usually skeptical about wrap skirts, because I don't want to have a wardrobe malfunction, but this design is pretty ingenious, with two buttons for safety, and a flared skirt that prevents the back from opening no matter what acrobatics you get up to; I know because I used our big screen TV as a mirror and replicated all the moves I would be likely (and unlikely) to do, and nothing was exposed! This lovely paisley vintage fabric is the perfect weight for a skirt, and I love the colors! The camera with poor lighting couldn't do it justice, these are really bad pictures!

I went to the store to search for a lightweight sweater or jacket to wear for California springtime; since the ones I have are ancient, but apparently no one looks for sweaters in March? I also couldn't see myself wearing a hoodie with a sporty logo atop my vintage wear, so I splurged on a (clearance) fine-knit cardigan. It was possibly one of the most expensive items in my wardrobe; at $20; but I think it's so pretty and versatile!

I had imagined having the 2 or 3 shirtwaist dresses I have patterns and fabric for done before our trip; but I got the essentials and I don't think I want to push my luck. I'll save those for when I have the time to do them justice; and I think since we're packing light and doing laundry, the wrap skirt, a few more skirts I already have, and a few pairs of capri's will be enough for our trip. I'm closing my shop for the duration of our trip, feels sad, like it's gone, but I know it will be there when I get back! I'm also meeting tomorrow to discuss plans for a Farmer's Market this summer, so I have a few last-minute business things to do and some loose ends to tie up. I will also be making 2 more batches of soap tonight, and sending off a few freebies. Tomorrow I will start packing in earnest, I have most of the things for the boys set aside, it's just a matter of making lots of lists and keeping track. Oh, and cleaning the house and keeping it clean!

So excited about going, doesn't seem real yet, I will be updating my blog while I'm gone; and my facebook page will probably be where I post pictures; exciting week!


Have a great Tuesday!

An Apple Pie a Day Keeps the Doctor Away

. 

We've slowly been recovering, and my poor boys are almost all better! Some of them have lingering coughs, and two of them never got sick at all; and I'm hoping our luck will hold. I'm trying to think of all the last-minute things I need to do before our vacation, and one of them is to use up the half-bushel of apples I bought optimistically a few weeks ago. Although I'm storing them in the garage, I don't want them to go bad while we're gone, so I've decided to go on an apple pie baking blitz. I figure that if I make an apple pie every day, or two every other day, I should use up all the apples before we leave. Yesterday, I baked pie #1; it seems like forever since I've made a home-baked dessert and it made the house smell awesome! My boys were all thrilled, they love apple pie, and I felt like I had accomplished a lot that day, even though I didn't.

I think I've been pushing myself too much lately, I've been unusually tired, and the joy I used to have creating and selling my soaps has seemed to be replaced by feeling that I've fallen short, not just at that, but that I've let it take over my life a little too much. I have a tendency to be a perfectionist, and although I told myself when I started that I would be happy if I only made one sale, soon I found myself glued to the activity feed! I think I'm going to concentrate on the joy of it again, and if it's true that a "watch pot never boils"; well, maybe it's true that a "watch etsy-shop never sells"! And I am looking forward to my first Farmer's Market, I love Farmer's Market's and it will be so scary and exciting to have my own (shared) booth! I'm already planning my display and decor, with my snazzy new apron that Rita, a fellow etsian at Lazy Mondays made me. I've made "Idaho Dirt" soap, "Clean Air" soap, and have a lot more planned that I hope people in an open-air market will like!

For now, I need to concentrate on my sewing, which is my one true love; and getting ready for our vacation, that is so close now I can taste it. I almost can't believe we're actually getting to go to Disneyland, I think I've avoided thinking too much about it, because it seems almost too good to be true!

Since it's a Friday night, I can stay up as late as I want, watching old movies and sewing old patterns, my favorite! I may work it some new soap "flavors" I have planned. I have more consignment goodies, can you believe it? I also have to buy Andrew new dress shoes for his school performance; which will be the day we leave for San Diego! He's been preparing all year for this, and is really nervous, I'm hoping to have everything packed in the car and meet him at school with the whole family, including Daddy; so that right after the performance, we can leave for San Diego! So much going on this coming week, it's scary and exciting! I will post pictures of my now-mythical vintage attire once it's done, I swear!

Have a great weekend, everybody! 

Big Girls Don't Cry.....

I just realized today that we have exactly two weeks before we go on vacation. Where did the time go? And me with a half-finished swimsuit and not a wrap skirt to bless myself with! And my etsy shop is really picking up, which makes me worry about putting it on vacation mode; I'm still leaning towards "not"; just putting up a notice that says that shipping will be delayed until I return; which I think effectively dissuades a lot of people, but you can't have it all!

Up high on the list of the things I can't have right now, is the tan, toned body, I envisioned myself in on the beach...I considered getting a spray tan for about half a second; then decided to be true to my paleness. I'm not fooling anybody with the fake tan, and I actually like being an oddity in a sea of the perfectly tanned. Sure, I'd like to look great; but having an orange-y glow is not my idea of beauty. So I'll just go out with my fair skin, flashing like a beacon for the world to see! And the toned part it not necessarily happening; I've been rather neglectful of my gym membership lately, because I've been so, so, busy; and having five 9 and 10 pound babies is not conducive to a bikini bod! Cleansing breath! The only thing that matters, really; is having a great time with my family; I don't care if I look like a beached whale and everyone is blinded by the glare coming off my snow-white thunder thighs! I remember last time we visited San Diego; although I had lived there for three years and only been back in Idaho for three; I couldn't believe the contrast in the culture! Where in Idaho, I'm a fairly stylish and put-together person, I confess I felt like a country bumpkin! I remember my husband, a native San Diegan,  remarking while on the freeway with cars whizzing by us, "why is everyone in such a hurry?". Quite a culture shock, even for the initiated.

So, big girls don't cry, right?! I will not cry, no matter how many things I have left to do; my sleep deprivation, my dwindling soap stock, my white legs, or my Idaho style!

I'm going to wake up every morning, put on my new perfume and lipstick, and slog through my miles of housework and the ever-present laundry. I need to start putting less pressure on myself; no one except me expects me to have an immaculate house,  five children, and and etsy shop, but I do find it discouraging when I work so hard all day and seem to never make a dent. But, as my husband always says, my real job, my only job, is to take care of our boys, and any day that ends in them being happy, safe, and healthy is a success. 


On a much more fun note; I'm due for new summer shoes, and have been looking around for something to go with my vintage summer wear. I also have a wide foot, so finding something in a wide width is difficult; but here is what I found:

I think these are pretty, and since I'm accustomed to walking in higher wedges than these, I think these will be comfortable enough for at least one day at Disneyland. I love the white, I remember when white shoes were "in" and then most horribly out; so the white is fresh and eye-catching. I love to wear white shoes for some reason! I think I'll go and try these to make sure they're truly "wide", and then buy them!

Have a great Friday, everyone! 

The Bold and the Beautiful

Maybe I should have titled this post; Beauty and the Beast, because that's the kind of week I've had. I've had an absolutely fabulous week business-wise and have also met some great local etsians; I never thought when I started my silly soap-making plan that I would have actually succeeded at it; I really feel lucky and blessed. I've also gotten to know people I never would've had the opportunity to meet otherwise; I'm making friendships that I know will last a lifetime.

I think I'll address the "Beast" part, before I go back to the loveliness embodied in this picture. This week was a very rough week; family wise. Not my little brood at home, but extended family. I have a very large, opinionated family; and have sometimes felt like the outsider, because I'm one of the few...actually the only, one who believes in God and is religious. And for some other reasons, but that's the primary one. It doesn't bother me at all for someone to be an atheist, why would it? I often laugh when people are upset at someone for not doing something; like, "I am insane with anger because you didn't go to the movies!". I'm always painstakingly careful not to bring up God or religion, or the fact that we are not vegetarians, because I don't want to insult my family's lifestyle (or anyone's). I'm not one of those preachy types; and I'm sure people who know me even fairly well are kept guessing about the more controversial points of my life. But many of my family members openly disdain everything that makes me..me. I've dealt with my share of outrage about the number of children I choose to have, or us not celebrating holidays, or the fact that our house is too small or that I never went to college. Or the names of my children; yes; several family members made it very clear that they viewed my choice of names for my wonderful boys to be practically criminal. Their names are, by the way: Andrew, Bentley, Callan, Dorian, and Elvis. And they are beautiful, meaningful names! Ok, off my soapbox about that. I have somehow, despite my caution, managed to convey the impression that I have a problem with people who are vegetarians; I honestly cannot imagine how that happened. It was really hearbreaking for me to realize that no matter how hard I tried, I was never going to be acceptable to my extended family, and for my own well-being and sanity; it's necessary for me to disconnect from them. I've been through a lot with my siblings, we've come through some bad stuff together, but even with them, I seem to be constantly offending and offensive; and this while I'm putting a great deal of effort into not doing so. I've apologized, backtracked, soothed ruffled feathers....and finally snapped. I'm not proud of it, but I managed to be quite snarky and rude to many of them. So be it. We just don't bring out the best in each other, and that's why it's best to take a break from them. All of this has a point, it really does! So after dealing with all the yucky family stuff yesterday, I came home today to the most wonderful present. The perfume I had custom blended for me by Stacy at Mermaid Lane Perfume. It was like a soothing voice in a room full of shouting; when I opened the box, I actually cried. For a time when I was feeling very battered emotionally, the thought that someone put so much care and love into something for me was beyond words. She also included a very welcome extra

A wonderful bottle of her body/massage oil; with the most awesome scent; rose and lavender; my favorite! I had told her our anniversary was coming up, and this was her gift to us. So kind! I also just had to take a picture of the perfume bottle and it's lovely satin pouch; so beautiful! Such a precious little bottle, I feel like it contains my essence, who I am. I know I will treasure it for years to come. Being a mama with so many boys, I have very few things which are just mine and it is so very important to have that to hold onto, so that I don't become so immersed in them that I lose who I am.

So this week, I was bold, not so beautiful, and then beautiful again. I'm sorry for such a melancholy post; it's really not characteristic of me; perhaps the late hours and the family issues have taken their toll on me. But as they say it's hard to keep a good (bad?) woman down; I'm sure if I get a good night's sleep...if...if...if...I'll be back to my annoyingly energetic self!

Wednesday already! Have a great rest of the Wednesday; and a great Thursday!

Love Potion #9.....

I blogged a few days ago about my big splurge of the decade; a custom blended all natural perfume by the wonderful woman who owns Mermaid Lane Perfume. After sending her a questionnaire about my preferences, she blended a perfume for my approval. I received it today; what an experience! I feel so lucky to have someone blend something just for me, based on my likes, dislikes and quirks! I excitedly opened the package; would I like it? My first thought, as the top notes of the blend made their way from my olfactory senses to my brain was....oooh! FANCY! At first I wasn't sure if I liked it; was this really for me;  the often overwhelmed and bedraggled mother of five? Could I be this woman, the one who wore such a..a..sexy, alluring scent? I decided to "live with it" for a while before making my decision. I was on my way to the post office, so I dabbed it on my pulse points and went about my business. Within moments, the notes that I found a little fussy on first whiff deepened, became warmer. As I stood in line at the post office, I started to feel like one hot mama. As I chatted with the clerk regarding my shipment; a bar of soap to England (my first international sale), he leaned forward, actually sniffed the air, and said "Either you or the soap smells really good"...Hilarious! And it wasn't the soap, that was encased in layers of bubble wrap! How funny, I don't recall ever being given that particular compliment before; and not ten minutes after applying the perfume; someone comments on it! Then I got to pick the bottle and the size I wanted; I'm telling you, I felt downright queenly! It's so rare for me to be able to treat myself to this extent, and I know this perfume will give me years of pleasure; so it feel right.

I actually had a pretty great day; I finally gritted my teeth and went through every single bin of boys' clothes in the garage, to see what they have and what I still need to get them for our vacation. I also was able to consign lots and lots of stuff; made $44 dollars in store credit, which is more than enough for one boy to get everything he needs; if I shop carefully, I should be able to get about 15 items, success! Since I started consigning, I've definitely learned what they want and what will sell; this time I was so close that out of two boxes of clothes, they only passed on four items! It definitely helps to have the consignment option. when you have a limited budget and lots and lots of boys to clothe!

Have a great Sunday; everyone!

Can I?

Wow, what a week! A week in which all my plans have gone awry in some way or another, a week in which I had all sorts of plans to stay up as late as necessary...and instead ended up crashing immediately after the boys went to bed! I now have the daunting prospect of a huge vacation to plan for, and I'm in the horrible stage where it's too soon to do some serious packing, but I have terrible packing anxiety because I'm afraid that once it comes time to pack; I'll suddenly realize it can't be done. Yes, that's my fear; that is actually can't be done; I mean; whoever said it was possible to take five children several states away, in a car that seats the amount of people we have, for a week. A week. I'm now wondering how few things I can get away with bringing. They have clothes and baby food and diapers and shoes and toys in California, right? I can just imagine myself, though; in some seedy laundromat in Southern California, frantically doing laundry before I get mugged. However, I believe they do have laundry facility at both hotels we're staying at; including the rather posh Disneyland hotel. My other fear involves the rash plans I made to make my clothes for the trip. Will I ever learn? Probably not. I have my bathing suit about halfway done; and I've made the decision to only do the "must have" items, like the bathing suit and a wrap skirt, which should be quick (no, I'll never learn). The rest will just have to go into the ether until later in the year. I have lots of soap projects that I'm behind in; which leads me to my other concern: putting my shop in vacation mode or not? It's not as though I'm getting daily orders, so I think I'll just take my laptop and do such work as I can in the evenings; (here I go again!); and just tell any customers that I may (or may not) have that all shipping will be done once I get back.

I'm hoping (as always) to get plenty of work done tonight, and to really buckle down; including going through the dreaded bins of boys' clothing, and consigning all the items I have saved up to consign. I probably will need to buy quite a few summery items for all the boys and for James; and most likely will need to fill in deficiencies in my wardrobe as well.

Can you tell I'm worried and stressed? I feel rather ramble-y tonight; I'll just keep repeating to myself, "I think I can, I think I can, I think...."

Potion, Potion; Make me a Potion....

As much as I like to smell nice; I am not a perfume-wearer. My allergies hate perfume; and I always seem to get a headache when I wear it. That's part of why I love to make natural soap and lotion; it leaves a nice scent without being "perfumey". But the other day, I was dashing around as usual and decided to use a little sample of perfume I've had hanging around forever; it was a freebie when I placed an order at a place that I can't tell you about; because its a "secret". Well, my husband couldn't stop raving about how great I smelled! He has similar feelings about synthetic fragrances, and loves that I don't douse myself in scent; but something about that particular silly perfume he loved! Honestly, he complimented me so much it was getting ridiculous. So, I had an idea: there's a wonderful shop on my Bath and Body team on etsy, Mermaid Lane Perfume, who makes wonderful, natural, perfume; a woman on the team got some samples from her and loved them! I decided to find out what was in the "secret" perfume and try to get a custom blend. It turns out this perfume my husband loved is described as a "fruity floral" and has jasmine, bergamot, and a million other things in it, so I decided to have a sample made with similar notes. The owner of the shop gave me some wonderful info; telling me that the perfume my husband loved is 99% synthetic, so the blend she makes me will smell differently, but hopefully better! She will e-mail me a questionnaire about my preferences, then for a few dollars, she will mix up a sample for me, if I don't love it, she'll try again. I have to tell you, I'm not getting anything for promoting this shop; I just think it's so wonderful to have the talent to create custom scents, and I'm so excited to have my own scent that is natural! Of course, it is not an inexpensive prospect, but she says with care, your scent will last a long time. I know some feminist-types would cringe to hear that I want a perfume mainly to please my husband, but isn't that what we all want as wives? Getting compliments and having your husband think you're awesome is certainly not without benefit on my end; so I'm willing to save up to make an investment like this. My 12th anniversary is coming up, I think this will be my gift to my husband! (or his gift to me?). I should be able to save a few dollars each week from the grocery budget, or my etsy money, to buy a bottle of lovely, natural perfume. I so wish I had a talent like this, although I think I have a good "nose" for scents, and work with essential oils and botanicals in my craft; I know nothing about the complicated process of top notes, base notes, etc. It's so wonderful that what she does brings people joy! And also, I'm a little bit obsessed with mermaids, so I love her shop name!

I'm starting my day in a very tidy house; courtesy of my husband, who stayed up until the wee hours folding laundry and cleaning; after my late-night sewing took it's toll and I was dead to the world! Tomorrow, I will be spending the afternoon with my best friend; revisiting a drive-in restaurant that we used to go to as small children, followed by watching the new 'Alice in Wonderland' movie. Such fun! 

Happy Friday Everyone!

I Write with a Goose Quill Dipped in Venom

Isn't that a great line? It's from one of my favorite Film Noir movies; Laura. I watched it last night while working on my sewing since I just figured out how to watch movies from Netflix on my laptop. I know, people have been watching movies on their computer for centuries; but since I had no computer until last December, this is all new to me! I'm no movie expert, but I've been a fan of classic films since I was a little girl watching old movies with my mother. I'm like a kid in a candy store! So many movies I've never seen, or some of my favorites that are hard to track down. Since I have a laptop, it's easy to have it set up on my worktable, start one of the classics and get to work!

This was the view from my kitchen last night; I got to work resizing my vintage swimsuit pattern, a process I started the night before. Although when giving the resized pieces a second look last night, I realized that I had made them far, far, too big! It must have been because of the late hour, after taking a few measurements, I realized I made the swimsuit front several inches too big, the top picture shows the front piece, in a Junior size, and the white material is the pattern material, which is printed in one inch grids. You can see I had to add quite a bit, including adding length from top to bottom, for coverage and modesty. After I took this picture of the piece which I had just reduced in size, I still needed to remove a few more inches in width. I felt like Alice in Wonderland, trying desperately to achieve the correct size! The lower picture shows my workspace; the kitchen table, covered in sewing stuff; which is the worst part about sewing, at least for me; because I don't have a dedicated space, and have to carefully put away everything despite the late hour; otherwise my boys will have a field day in the morning! For some reason, my littler boys are fascinated by my sewing machine and equipment, and when I leave my sewing machine out, I always have to check it carefully; since they usually have changed all the settings!

A few weeks ago, a fellow etsian on my team did an interview with me about my shop; she published it today; check out her blog; By the Book Paper

It's a great Monday; since my boys are out of school for President's Day; I'm hoping to have a very laid-back day today; Happy Monday!

The shoemaker's wife is barefoot...and my husband has no soap!

I love the old Ivory Soap ads...not that I am old enough to remember this particular ad; but I remember the 80's ads for Ivory; they always had the most beautiful pictures, and the cutest babies! Maybe I was always meant to make soap; I've always loved to get a new bar of soap, unwrap it, and display in my bathroom. I remember wanting to keep soap in a pristine condition by not using it; I always loved the designs stamped into the bars, and the "feel" of a brand-new bar of soap....ahhh, but I digress!

The reason for the title of the post is that ever since I've started selling my soap, I have been terribly reluctant to actually use my soap myself! I've gotten such kind compliments from people, and I truly enjoy making something that people enjoy. Meanwhile, I'm looking wistfully at bar after bar of my soap in my drying closet; still working my way through my early attempts, scratch and dents, and slivers of my soap! Although I do always test each batch for gentleness by washing my hands with the trimmings, I must confess there are several varieties I have not used! So tonight, in the spirit of taking care of myself so that I can be the best wife and mother; I took a deep breath; opened my drying closet, and picked out a soap! I have to admit; it was an imperfect soap, one that I was saving for free samples, but I felt like a kid in a candy store! I also used a shampoo bar, and gave my poor husband a pristine, saleable bar of the soap I made with him in mind! Poor thing, he's been using a tiny of sliver of soap for who knows how long; he confessed he was afraid to ask me for soap! I feel terrible! The reason I started making soap in the first place was provide high-quality soap for my family; it seems that I may have lost sight of that a little; I hope to keep balanced in my endeavors and make sure that I'm taking care of my family above all; the rest will take care of itself. I must admit, I feel quite refreshed, after lathering myself up with soap I was pleased with, then slathering myself with mounds of shea butter lotion. I made it after all; I shouldn't be going around with dry skin! What kind of example does that set?  

On a side note; I got so much sewing accomplished last night. I was feeling tired and headachy and grumbling about getting my sewing stuff set up. As soon as I got into the project; I immediately felt energized and wonderful; I truly must remember my love of sewing, and that no matter how tired I may feel, a good project aways gets my creative juices flowing, and it's so worth the effort! I hope to do more sewing after I finish this post; hope all of you have a great evening!

My Name is Brandi; and I'm addicted to patterns.....I'm also REALLY bad at math!

Ok, full disclosure; the post I made yesterday; about homemaking: I just realized now that 1951 was in fact; 60 years ago; not fifty....

Wow; no more late-night blogging for me!
*embarrassing*

Today I woke up, ready for action; and while checking my etsy shop; noticed that one of my favorite shops Vintage Treasure Huntn had added some new patterns; and there were a few I just could not pass up; even though I have lots of patterns, lots of fabric; and almost no time or energy left! The one above is the one I finally decided to purchase; after justifying the expense six ways to Sunday and vowing to make it worth it by not buying new clothes for the next decade, at least!

Fortunately, Vintage Treasure Huntn has very reasonably-priced patterns; very much in the grasp of a budget-minded mama like me! The fact that it is my size made it seem like Serendipity; I just couldn't say no! It is a "half-size" pattern, which means a petite, but it's very easy to alter that, and the fact that I'm only 5'5" makes it even better. I have some fabric that would be perfect for this, probably the pink linen that I posted a picture of earlier, although I have to say I'm completely in love with the blue/grey with contrasting cuffs and belt, as shown for view A. I also have some navy blue and white polka dot, that may work, and the red accents for that would be darling. I'll have to wait until I get it, once the pattern is in my hands, inspiration just seems to flow better!

And I must, must, must make more time to sew this week; I don't want all my beautiful patterns to go to waste!

Midnight Madness

Well, it's midnight...and as usual, I have just finished the laundry, and was thinking of taking time to unwind, since all my boys and men are asleep and I can do as I please. I always have such a conflict, I have so many projects I'm dying to work on, but part of me feels guilty for staying up half the night, because I don't want to be tired and grumpy tomorrow. It's always a difficult choice for me, the back and forth of wanting some time for myself, yet feeling like I can't completely enjoy it because there are so many, many things that need to be done at all times, and I feel like I should not allow myself to become too sleep-deprived. I've been testing my limits for some time, seeing how little sleep I can not only survive on, but feel well all day on. I've found that I can do very nicely on five hours, any less and I feel tired all day long. It doesn't leave me with much time in the evenings, though; by the time we get the boys truly settled for the night it's usually around 9pm, then I watch a little TV with James, return e-mails and manage my etsy shop. All in all, it's never sooner than 10pm when I have a little "me time", and often it's not until closer to midnight. So here I am, at midnight, a little tired, but planning on finishing the romper I started for Elvis; it's so close to being finished and I hope to have it done and have pictures posted tomorrow. It does have buttonholes, however....pray for me!

I'd rather be......

This great piece of art was forwarded to me by my sister-in-law who said it reminded her of me...ain't that the truth! It pretty much sums up the way I've been feeling the past few weeks, dealing with sick kids, the ubiquitous laundry and the housework I can never seem to finish. Add to that the worry about what my etsy shop is doing (or not doing, to be precise), the grey wintry weather, and you've got a pretty desperate housewife! I know that I'm doing the best I can, but at the end of the day, I still feel a sense of failure at all the things left undone, projects that sit unworked on, and the fog that seems to have made it's way from outside and come to settle over my psyche. I have a plan though (besides waiting for spring). I need to find something to do for myself that energizes me, maybe I'll finally take that dance class I've been wanting to take ever since I was 8 and got a pink tutu. I have a wonderful stack of vintage fabric just waiting to be cut, and two projects in the works, so I need to make time for my sewing, since it is something that leaves me energized, even if I stay up until 2 AM (as I often do when caught up in a project). Above all, I need to learn to pace myself, not start the day with a list of tasks that would be difficult to accomplish even if I were home alone; let alone with three little ones, getting over being sick, and two hours a day spent dropping off and picking up older children from school. I think I will go back to "triage"; focusing on a few things that really make a difference, regardless of what order I think a house "ought" to be cleaned. For example, daily I struggle with keeping the kitchen clean, and in my head, the floor is the last thing that should be done. But this leads me to constantly have a sticky floor, often it doesn't get cleaned until before dinnertime, which bothers me immensely. I'm going to start cleaning that floor early and often; in spite of the condition of the counters! And I know this to be true : As Goes The Bed, So Goes the House. If I can just spend two minutes a day making my bed, it seems to greatly affect my state of mind and my ability to finish the other tasks I have set my mind to. I think it's because every time I go into my room (often, because that's where the diapers are kept) I think to myself "Wow, I'm really on top of things, just look at that bed!". Baby steps!

Great new shop on Etsy!

It's not often I find and favorite a shop that makes jewelry; since I'm not one to wear a lot of jewelry; in fact I only own two pairs of earrings, both gifts from James; a pair of tiny white gold closed hoops, which I've had for ten years; and a pair of pearl studs which were my tenth anniversary present. I also have a sadly outdated charm necklace that I no longer wear because it has two little boy charms, and I fear if I added the three more I would look like a rapper! So those items,  along with a white gold bracelet I don't wear because...I just never think of putting it on, concludes my jewelry stash. Not impressive! I've always admired people who put together accessories daily, but I just don't have the knack for it, and would rather wear something that expressed my personality and was meaningful that I don't have to think about or fuss with. So, every morning I put on my pearl stud earrings and call it good. But the jewelry in this shop may make me decide to change that. Such wonderful, delicate and affordable earrings! I also loved the pearl charm bracelet I have pictured. Such a great new shop, I had to share! And the owner favorites my shop, too! Check it out! Pier 12

Borax...good for Everything?

I can't believe I lived thirty years before I discovered the wonder that is Borax. I have memories of my mom using it for....something; I guess I never bothered to figure out what, but I remember seeing the 20 mule team box under the kitchen sink. When I got my first soap making book and started soaping, I found a recipe for Borax soap, and at the time it seemed pretty strange to me, because I associated Borax with cleaning. How little I knew....I got a request from Maggie at http://vintagecorepatterns/blogspot.com to make Borax soap, because she said she used to buy some from a woman who called it Mineral Sparkle Soap. I had recently discovered what a versatile product Borax is; I make my own laundry detergent, and it's the star ingredient, along with washing soda and a few others things. I was thinking, OK, sure...I'll make you soap with that. Then I did some research and found Borax is widely used in the cosmetic and beauty industry and is actually very good at allowing troubled skin to heal itself. So I plunged in and made the Borax soap, and it turned out beautiful and sparkly.  I was packing a few boxes to send out tonight, including Maggie's Mineral Soap, and as I always do, I tested the soap on my very own sensitive skin. It was nice and lathery; I was quite impressed, and then I realized that I had just used the same star ingredient to clean my bathroom; it works, so, so well at hard water stains and makes the best chemical-free cleaner! So, it's pretty much the BEST mineral around; I need to buy it in bulk at this point, it's completely eliminated my need to buy household cleaners, since it works at everything from kitchen cleaning to laundry stain removal, and yes, even skin care! I can't believe I just wrote a love post to a product that sells at a grocery store for under three dollars....I mean, I thought I had standards!

Peppermint Mocha and Patterns Galore!

I have had a crazy busy week year; and have been really stressed about getting all these gorgeous patterns resized and made into garments. I hate to be stressful about things I really love, but when you have a house, five children, an etsy shop, and mountains of laundry; it's hard to fit anything in, especially if it's "just for me". I went to my favorite fabric store these weekend, and in the bargain bin found some great quality, spring-y fabric on clearance plus 50% off! So I ended up paying $2 a yard for the great linen blend, and $1.50 a yard for the adorable rayon blend pink and white check. I also had to figure out what material to use for the pattern resizing, and since I'm cheap, I gulped and bought three yards of a product with one-inch grids printed on it for $1.99 a yard. I'm not totally sold, I wish I could have just bought a roll of butcher paper or something, although I'm finding the grids are very handy. I'm also finding that although I'm a fairly advanced sewer, the whole pattern concept does not come easy to me. I read an article about pattern resizing, but I must say I'm not totally convinced that method works. It's the whole "the-leg-bone-connected-to-the-thigh-bone" thing that I keep messing up on, it's hard for me to comprehend how when I adjust one piece, it affects several other pieces. I hope I erred on the side of largeness with the black and white I have cut out, or make it work somehow if I haven't. I also had plenty of fabric left over to cut out a 1956 sun suit for Elvis. In the pattern envelope was some notes someone had written to themselves on a piece of scrap paper which was the back a political donation request letter; so funny to find these original musings of a housewife somewhere who presumably made this very sun suit for her baby boy, who is by now a grandfather! That's why I love sewing vintage so much, it's a connection to the past like nothing else. My next project is my hard-won swimsuit pattern, the coral-y red in the center is the famous authentic vintage rayon, which I received this week from http://etsy.com/shops/vintagetreasurehuntn it's so gorgeous and lightweight, perfect for a vintage swimsuit! I had to laugh when I compared the pattern piece for the bra top, which is a girls (juniors) size to my ample bust line; there is going to be a whole lot of resizing going on there! The piece that is supposed to represent half the bra top is basically the size of a dinner napkin; by the time I'm done with it, it'll be unrecognizable! The rest of the patterns I bought will be fairly easy, most are close to my size and are things like skirts and shorts, which just need to be widened, and a house dress which is just four pieces plus sleeves, belted. I'm so excited to get going on all this...if I only had a spare day or two!