"God Grant me the Serenity...."

 

"....to accept the things I cannot change;

courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference. 

Dear readers! What a few months it has been! I hardly know where to begin except with the obvious; which is that I've had a really rough few months. Unfortunately, I seem to have developed frequent and persistent migraines, which has been a shock, and a great source of stress for me. I've learned to depend on myself being healthy, and always brimming with energy; and this disorder has taken me down a peg; in fact; it's taken me down all the pegs; and I'm learning how to adapt. I've tried not to dwell on the "why me's"; knowing that so many other people are dealing with things that are far more dire; but I do have moments where I wonder why this has befallen me at this point in my life. I now cannot push myself; because even one late night triggers migraines; so I'm learning to let things go and not be so hard on myself. I am not Superwoman, despite evidence to the contrary, and I'm learning to pace myself. I've had a lot of moments of feeling useless lately; and it's something I never thought I'd need to grapple with. I've realized that I am NOT in charge, and I don't know what the future will bring. I always say that human beings have an endless capacity for adapting to any circumstance; and although I don't want to have to deal with this, I have certainly learned to adapt as well as I can. 

My new hairdo is courtesy of a very vivid dream; which I had during one of my most severe migraines; in which I dreamed that I was supposed to have a 1930's style bobbed haircut...as soon as I was up out of bed, still fuzzy from the migraine, I cut my hair with my sewing scissors! Not something I would recommend, but it made sense to me at the time! I think I really just wanted to do something drastic, like a Medieval warrior preparing for battle; and a battle it has been. 


In the midst of all these life-changes; my children have started school, which means I'm on the go go all day. I don't have a minute to spare most of the time, and I've taken steps to simplify my routine that have been absolutely essential in keeping on schedule. I will be sharing these updates, shortcuts, and new easy fashions in the weeks to come; I have neglected my blog all summer, and it's about time to get on the ball. 


The first exciting thing of the fall I have to look forward to is an upcoming weekend trip with James to a historical inn a few hours from our house. It's the first time we've ever gone away overnight without our children, and we are really looking forward to this long-overdue trip! I hope to have a relaxing time which my boys spend time with their aunts and uncle. 


It's a new day, Happy Monday and Happy Autumn!

The Boys Of Summer

Today is the official last day of summer. School will be starting tomorrow; and while I'm sure in time it will seem bittersweet to me; I have to say that today seems bitter right now. I remember that first day of summer; when school let out and I was finally able to leave the school with my boys; we walked into the sunshine and felt free. We didn't have to hurry; we didn't have anywhere we needed to be; it was just us against the world.

Those first few weeks were an adjustment for us all; it was hard to have no schedule; for me as well. I remember thinking to myself, "Enjoy this! It won't last!". I truly tried to enjoy it; but this summer I found myself busy and distracted much of the time; having my own business and being a new work at home mom was challenging at times. We had plenty of downtime, though; or at least the boys did. They rode bikes; played in the yard; asked for Popsicles; and had a good time.

As June turned into July we finally got some hot weather; and I started taking more time off; it didn't seem fair to work the summer away; and so I planned some fun adventures for us. I reveled in having my boys to myself; and having the freedom to go where we wanted to go; although looking back I wish I had taken that opportunity more often.

When August began; I felt a sense of foreboding; it's truly my least favorite month of the year; my birthday falls at the end of August; and it has always seemed a sad time of endings to me. I stepped up my efforts to simply "be" with my boys; and knew that I would soon be counting down the days until the summer was over. Now it's August 29th; my 31st birthday and the day before my boys leave me again; and I'm reflecting on the year that summer finally began to have meaning for me. It was 2005; my 25th birthday; and my oldest boy Andrew was starting kindergarten. Up until then; I had simply gone with the seasons as everyone without children in school does; never feeling any particular difference from school starting. I was 7 months pregnant with Callan; and had a 2 year old Bentley besides; I remember taking that first school picture of Andrew's and knowing that life was about to change. Now; 6 years later; Callie is starting kindergarten and my Andrew is going off to the big unknown of Middle School; I can hardly believe it. I know that I will be an emotional wreck inside as he goes off by himself to the bus stop; but I will have to bear it somehow.

And then later; I'll be sending my Callan off to be a big boy. Since his birthday is in November; I truly felt that I had an extra year with him; and it's making it even harder for me to give him up to a teacher. Somehow; Dorian; Elvis and I will have to muddle through our day without our boys! Now all that's left is to make a few more memories before school; we're having our long-awaited "bee party" and I hope I will manage to keep a dry eye for at least part of the day.

I've always felt the changing of the seasons acutely; and remember feeling a sense of loss as the last days of summer slipped away; and this has only been made more significant by having my own boys. I know that there are many more great days to be had before Winter takes hold; and I'm hoping to gain this perspective in the weeks to come. I must say; dealing with being solidly established in my 30's as of today is making it difficult for me to see anything positive about this time of the year!

Summer, don't go!