I was in a Cult.

I'm finally ready to say it.

I was in a cult.

I didn't know I was in a cult when I was in it (nobody ever does). It's not like you're getting ready on a Sunday morning and say to your kids, "come on guys, we have to get to the <insert worship facility> so we can work on our cultism!". No, it's insidious. Everything seems reasonable to you. When I look back at the things I believed and the things I did, I feel like the stupidest person alive. Did I BELIEVE that nonsense? But I did! And I know that I'm an intelligent person. How did it happen? How did I let it take over my life? Why didn't I heed the giant waving red flags and sirens along the way?

Here's how it works: You either are raised in the cult from a very young age so the behavior and beliefs become normalized OR you come into the cult later in life, when you're seeking something to give your life meaning. Cults are very good at "love bombing" and seem to have a sixth sense about people that are searching for belongingness (which is on Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs) and purport to be capable of filling that person's need. Of course, once you're "in," the love-bombing stops and you become just another rank and file member. But, by then, your world has shrunk to the four walls of your worship place, and the only people you have relationships with are those that are also "in."

When you're in a cult, everybody polices each other. It's human nature to deflect and as long as you're pointing the finger at someone else, it takes the heat off yourself. When you are in a cult, the leaders tell you that if you do, say, and think the "right" things, you will be safe. Another common factor in cults is focusing on apocalyptic "end times." My cult was no exception. Every day, we were to prepare and be on guard for this end time. So it didn't matter if you ever got an education, got a good job, or even got married. Having children was actively discouraged because what kind of monster would deliberately bring children into a world that was seen as soon to come to a violent end?

The real reason that people were discouraged from having outside goals or relationships or even to have children was a straightforward one: why would they want people to have divided loyalties or something else to spend their time and money on? People with small children were less likely to be actively involved in <insert pointless mandated activity>

I remember being chastised many times by our "religious leaders" about the fact that I had (at the time) five children. I was asked rude questions about my sex life and birth control choices. I found myself reflexively apologizing for my fertility. A story about some medical condition or accident of contraception was expected. It didn't make it ok, but if the other person heard that you were remorseful for your rampant irresponsibility, they could excuse you and nod sadly at your folly. Looking back, I genuinely regret the time I spent being less happy about my pregnancies than I should have been. I regret all the sheepish explanations I gave to those who chastised me.

I wasted 29 years of my life on a false and harmful belief. I was never faking, I was a true believer. I blocked out all criticisms, dropping anti-<insert cult here> pamphlets as if they were poison. I turned my head away from the protestors outside of our yearly gatherings. Now I think, "if only I had listened!"

I can't put all the blame on the leaders though. I did it. I participated. I shunned people. I hurt people. I raised my children in the cult. I am guilty. I could spend the rest of my life wearing a hair shirt and beating my chest (oh, how easy the Biblical allegories come to those raised in bible-thumping cults!), but I choose to do something else.

I'm going to speak out when the occasion calls. I'm going to raise my children differently. And I'm currently enrolled in college, with the goal of getting my Master's and becoming a licensed therapist. That's right, a big part of my successful exit from a cult is a secular, licensed therapist. I wouldn't have had the tools otherwise. I hope to help others with the tools they need when they are ready.

Unlike cult members, I will never seek out others and force my beliefs on them. I will never tell people how to live. I don't even mind if someone reads this and thinks, "That isn't a cult!". I am not here to tell anyone how to feel. I just know that for my husband and me, this was a terribly destructive force in our lives. It has taken us years to unravel the damage, and some will never be undone.

But, we are happy. For 25 years, I had a nightmare about some invisible force that I knew was coming. I had to shut all the windows and doors of our house, otherwise, it would get in. Each time I dreamed this, I would be panicking, racing around the house, trying to get all the windows closed, while my family laughed at me and persisted in undoing my work. When the cult I was in talked about end times, I knew that that was what I was dreaming of. How frightening for a child to live daily, feeling that the world would end in a terrible fashion, while spirit and earthly forces persecuted members of my religion. That was a heavy burden for a child who was already prone to anxiety. I also developed obsessive thoughts centered around religious themes and at one point became convinced (at 8 years old) that I had committed the unforgivable sin and would be destroyed by God.

I still have moments, over 5 years from the time we exited the cult, where the realization dawns on me that I am no longer carrying that weight. That I don't have to live every day in fear of end times or keep myself segregated from those that aren't in the same cult. And every time, I feel like I've won the lottery. I'm free!

P.S. I have deliberated avoided using the name of the cult I was in because it doesn't even matter which one I was in. But, if you're interested, it was Jehovah's Witnesses.