Of all the things "they" don't tell you about when you bring home a newborn baby, I think this is the most unexpected. I remember the stereotype of moms being sad when they have an empty nest, but my nest is actually quite full. So why am I so sad?
When my son was in boot camp, I found a lot of solace in a military mom group, where us moms dealt with the culture shock of having our children suddenly thousands of miles away and unable to communicate, save via weekly letters. In some way that I can't fully explain, I think the transition would have been gentler if he had gone to college as so many kids do at that age, although I'm sure being a college mom has its own challenges! Having a child embark on their own life has brought about, for me, such an overflow of emotion that it caught me by surprise.
It's not that I want my children to stay home with me forever, God knows that we had our struggles during the teen years, after all! It's just a mixture of immense pride, love, fear of the unknown, and sadness that this phase of my parenting him is over all at once. When I think back over the last 18 years, I have regrets of things I did and didn't do, times I was too quick to anger and too harsh, and times that I wished my days away because of the monotony of parenting a young child. But it's not that I'm stuck in regret, I think that despite everything, I did enjoy his childhood. It is hard for me to believe that so much time has passed. I am as astonished that he is an adult as I would be if I woke up tomorrow and my 20-month-old daughter announced that she was moving out!
Since I was 18 when I got pregnant and 19 when I gave birth, part of it is disbelief that I am old enough to be some adult's mother. Because I started my family so young, and then, after a five-year gap, started over with two babies in my mid-30's, I feel like I don't quite belong in any "mom group." To use a nautical analogy, I feel unmoored. What am I now? How can I be an empty nester with a full-to-bursting nest? How can I be both a teenage and advanced maternal age mom? Am I a new-old mom?
As I write this today, my oldest boy is flying back to his barracks after a week-long visit over the holidays in which we revisited some of our traditions from the years he was home with me. He also showed his out-of-shape and weak-muscled mother how to lift weights! We took him out to dinner, we spent time just hanging out, and I cried a lot. I'm excited that he's going back to his newfound profession and routine. I'm so very proud of the man he's become. But I can't help but see visions of the bright-haired toddler that I used to take on a daily walk in the stroller, while he excitedly pointed out houses and cars and his favorite, the grey horse down the road who would walk over to the fence and say hello.
I think I'm ready to let that boy go on his adventures. I pray he will fly high, but come back down to earth (and us) sometimes.
