Every time I say the word 'Diet', I wash my mouth out with chocolate

What a week! I'm finding my groove with my Saturday morning market; my last Saturday I felt much more comfortable, and enjoyed it much more; I didn't feel as much like a fish out of water, and had a lot of fun! I ran out of change because I wasn't prepared on that front; but that's a good problem to have, and I hope to run out of change every week; and running out of soap is a goal to reach for!

Speaking of reaching for goals; I've been finally putting my money where my mouth is, so to speak; about achieving balance with my work and home life. I've decided that life's too short to stay up until 3 and 4 am, and I've decided to take several evenings off per week, and just kick back and relax in the evening with my husband. It was so nice this last week to watch a movie with James; a few times, we ate dessert and drank wine and fell asleep at a very reasonable hour for a change! I'm happy to say that I've gotten 8 hours of sleep more than once lately, and it felt great!

I've also finally made it back to the gym, which was something I've been neglecting lately. I have a very difficult relationship with exercise, I place a high priority on being healthy and energetic, and I feel that it's my responsibility as a mother to stay as healthy and vibrant as possible. However, my relationship with food and diet is complicated. As a teenager, I suffered from what could best be described as a little past extreme dieting, verging on anorexia. For several years; I knew the calorie count of every food known to man, and limited myself often to under 500 calories a day. When I was first out on my own, at 17, this escalated to not eating for days at a time; even while I was walking several miles a day. I remember feeling faint often, and the feeling of gnawing hunger was something I relied upon to know that I was being "good". I remember the day I made the decision to start living again; and promising myself;  Scarlett O'Hara style, that I would "never be hungry again!". I vowed to allow my body to develop in the way that I never allowed it to during my adolescence and I knew that that would mean weight gain; and that my predilection for extreme dieting would mean that I could not allow myself to start down that road, ever, ever again. I knew I could not dabble in different diets, the way most women do, or even "sensibly" limit my food choices or calorie intake. For me, even a day or two of limiting my food choices or thinking about my calorie intake turns swiftly into an obsession; one that could threaten the life I've built; so I have staunchly avoided any dieting tactics. Having my children has meant a huge change for my body; and I struggle, mostly successfully, to embrace that change. This is more difficult for me during times of stress; and I have sometimes faltered in my resolve. I realized last week, when I had been too busy and stressed to eat, that hunger is like a drug to me, it made me feel powerful and in charge. I don't crave that "fix" anymore, but I'm still succeptable to falling into that trap; so I have to be extremely careful when I exercise; that I'm doing it for the "right" reasons; for my health and vitality, and not as a substitute for the dieting that I used to use as an addiction. Whenever I feel like I must go to the gym, I know that I can't go to the gym until I get back the proper perspective. This addiction will always be with me, although I have improved so much even in the last five years; but I am still ever vigilant. I have learned not to put so much emphasis on my looks, and as a person who derived a great deal of my self-esteem from my looks; that has been a hard adjustment. I know that I have value now, without my looks entering into the equation at all; I created five people, after all, and that is something that makes me feel good about my body for a change; looking at the "battle scars" from having my children, I always remember how lucky I am to have had the experience of being a mother, and I would be willing to pay any price for that!

I'm looking forward to my newfound lease on balance; and enjoying my sleep and relaxation time tremendously, and finding that I'm actually able to be quite productive and relax! I'm looking forward to a busy and productive week, and thrilled that a large supply order will be coming in tomorrow!

Happy Monday!